hope for change

Life in Paris has really been different. Not a bad different for sure. But the type of different that has been really exciting, foreign, and unimaginable...kind of like eating a new fruit. Ok, that was a really bad example. People in my program are really really into the whole electronic, underground music thing. I mean, the music is nice, but I've never been an expert about it. It's just that I'm not interested enough to invest all my time for music and then chat a storm about it. I love my classes abroad. Within 4 months I feel like I have become so much more cultured and knowledgeable about various subjects. Learning the history of Paris, art, or music has made my life more deep.

Anyways, there's serious stuff going on in Mumbai, India. I was reading all the information about it nonstop on cnn.com. Then I just started reading all the other awful stuff that's going on in the World. The war in Iraq, deadly floods in Brazil, brutal death beatings of a reporter in Arkansas... It's just heartbreaking. But you know, I was thinking, there's nothing that I can really do to help these people. I can give them my money, yes that I will do. I am planning on researching some type of nonprofit group according to my sentiments and sending them money every month. Anyways I am getting sidetracked again. I was watching Paris Hilton's My New Best Friend. It's my guilty pleasure, don't judge. Well they had this "challenge" to earn money for Paris's animal charity. They kept saying "omg I felt so good about myself. It was so rewarding." All I could think was, wow these people are idiots. Ok, not idiots but they're thinking is so shallow and conceited. As if earning about $20 changed everything. You know, there's still animals suffering even though money goes through that charity. The glory shouldn't go to you. But say I send about $100 to the kids in Africa. Yea, I'm sure some of that money gets sent to the kids over there after some dispersion into the "nonprofit" organization workers but what I do is not going to change their life. In fact, I shouldn't feel like I am such a great person because I am doing this "glorious" deed. It's only God that can change the lives and situations of these people. We should be so grateful that we are in this situation and not switched around with Africa. Superficial means of happiness into life have only always fallen through. We're unsatisfied no matter what situation we're in. You shouldn't act upon giving money to the poor because it's the right thing to do, if you pity them with all your heart, or because you'll feel better about yourself. It's because God has called you upon it and you're purpose is because you're grateful for what God has given you and giving it without any intentions of any worldly, human explanation. Ugh, I don't know if I explained my point. But this is what I believe.

I was watching videos about the first lady on cnn.com. YES I LOVE MICHELLE OBAMA. She is so inspiring. That woman is amazing. And I also love her because ...she's BLACK! which is kind of a stupid reason. If anything, I've never felt more asian in my life with comments like NIHO, KONICHIWA, WHAT ARE YOUR ORIGINS. If anything, I have some to the conclusion that white people in general are really ignorant and they've got it good. They have so much leverage in life just because they're white. But thank God that I live in the USA where it's somewhat better I guess. I hate controlling media. It's partly their fault why these Frenchies are so ignorant about America or other cultures in general. Back to my reason why I love Obama. The first black President well he's half white. But black women were hoping that through Michelle Obama that she would allow a breakthrough of the stereotypes of black females being loud, aggressive, and overweight. That's amazing. It's also awesome because Michelle Obama is skinny and dark skinned. Not like the typical famous black woman like Beyonce or Halle Berry who by the way is half white. It's partly the media's fault for all this. I effing hate them. Who them is I am not sure. Because of the media, French people think Americans are only blonde. They don't understand that Asian people live in America and that we must always be associated with our origins. Do you ask blonde American girls where their origins are??? like Germany, Ireland? No. I got so frustrated while watching cnn.com white reporter women talking about Michelle Obama. I just see ignorance in their faces. Ok, I have so much anger at white people. Their offensive nihos really get to me though. It's a slap across the face and I get it everyday (more than once).

I'm out. left bitter.

sheet

So, I'm back from a rendezvous night with some of the UC center folks. We pre-partied a bit in Janet's room. I got a good almost drunk buzz. Then I headed over to this local bar called...house? Can't remember too well. Didn't buy a drink because I was quite buzzed. Then we walked around the Bastille looking for a bar but we ended up just hanging out at the steps of the Opera. We ran into some chalk and left our marks. JE NE SUIS PAS CHINOIS!!!!!! We were able to freely express our frustration against the idiots who don't know any better. We came back and the kids in my program wanted to smoke some sheet aka weed. So I hung out and observed for a little bit and just headed to my room.
Now I'm just chatting with the folks back home. Then, I just randomly got a pang of emotion in my heart. My dad. The topic of my father really doesn't affect me much. I hear of him from time to time from my mom who finds out from her friend from Texas who knows my dad. Anyways, turns out that my dad was in Korea the WHOLE time I was in Korea. The only reason why I didn't know this was because of the money he owes my mom. I haven't seen him since my freshman summer of high school. I haven't talked to him since my sophomore spring quarter of college - which was painful. After that, I assured myself even more that I don't need to associate with him. But I feel that in doing so, I'm really unconsciously affecting my life. Well I guess the fact that I realize this means it's not unconscious. Why am I numb?

lingering

So I'm up at 10AM. Woken up from the past two unproductive days, I decide to finally do my qt's. You know, sometimes I wonder if I am chosen. I'm reading the books of Daniel and Ephesians, and I just don't know. I hear testimonies from my good friends or even from Jesse who I met this weekend, and I just don't know. I guess it's wrong of me to wonder why God doesn't provide miracles or speak to me in the way that he does to others but I'm just at a complete loss. I have no direction. I don't know what he exactly wants me to do in Paris other than the general spread his word and be an example of Christ. I really don't know what to do with my future and what God wants me to do. I'm at a loss. I also feel like I get no insight whatsoever and my level of depth can be at such a minimum most of the time.

bonjour

So, it's the end of my 6th week here in Paris - the city of light, romance, and fashion. Honestly, everything here is such a dream. I'm constantly surrounded by beautiful people, food, and language. I've definitely been enjoying my time.
There's too much to update about. And everything literally is a blur.
I guess I'm learning a lot about myself here as well. Just trying to be more comfortable being who I am while at the same time figuring out WHO I am and my purpose here. Pretty crazy stuff going on inside my head.

For the first time I got somewhat homesick this week. My stomach was hurting immensely and school in SD just began. So all that excitement with school and kcm is going on. And me being the type of person who likes to participate in activities, wants to take a part of that SD life. But I mean c'mon, I'm in Paris :)

This past Thursday, Hannah and I did QT's together for the first time and it was really refreshing and necessary. I haven't really been doing anything for my spiritual life since I got back from missions in Costa Rica - which is really ironic. But spending time with God really clarifies a lot of the undefined areas in my life and I really get to dig out those qualities that hinder my life.

I'll definitely try to update more often and document my time here.


The Parisian skies are in my grasp.