death

i've never really been encountered by the physical reality of death. it had always been a distant idea. you know a friends friend or a friends dad. always one degree of separation. i woke up today and i got a text from my sister saying "he died." i was frozen. then a sense of panic arose and i called my mom - terrified. i had this disbelief in my heart. even though i was told that he could die yesterday i doubted that he could die. but he did. and then i felt guilty. did i really pray for him? did he become a christian? i dont think he was. even though i knew he was sick this quarter i didn't go to la once to visit him. i was too busy with my life - the dats. i didn't even get to see him before he passed away. i'm truly sorry grandpa. i feel like he always gave out his love but he was always dejected. his heart was broken so many times as he saw the failures of his kids. yet he loved them so much and always believed in them that he gave them money even though he was retired. it was money that he saved his whole life not particularly because he was stingy. he just wasn't a spender. he never bought anything for himself and gave it away to his kids.

i don't know how to feel. i'm crying but i can't seem to articulate anything.

harabuji. i love you. and i'm sorry.