renewal

There was a red traffic light. The car in front of me decided to back up a little and gently bumped into my car. I knocked on the window of the BMW SUV. She didn't know how to speak english but luckily she was Korean. As we were conversing in my completely broken korean, she reassured me that my car is fine and that I can just glue back the pieces onto my car. Then she kept mentioning that she was late for church. Man...Korean people are one of a kind.

There was hardly any damage to my car but I was still a bit shaky from the whole event. From getting out of my car and knocking on her window as she was completely oblivious to the fact that she hit my car to the man yelling at me to pull my car over to the side. But on my drive to church I was thinking what if I had honked my horn to alert her? What if I left my house one minute earlier? What if I went a little slower on the freeway? And in the correlation of these what ifs I questioned whether or not God controls the every one of these accidents or coincidences. What purpose could this have?

I went to a Sovereign Grace Renew LA meeting. I was actually surprised because I thought the meeting would be more about the logistics like the curriculum for the students or input about the program. But it was a complete new slate and the meeting began with, "what is ministry?" As all these people gave their insightful answers, I was questioning it myself. It basically came down to the fact that ministry is both doing the deeds along with preaching the gospel. I really want to participate and renew la. But when I was in the meeting I was afraid to voice my opinion. I felt that I wasn't qualified to be a part of this group...or that I wouldn't be able to contribute as much as everyone else. This is not the first time that this has happened. I tend to coward away from God because it's the easy thing to do. I really need to learn how to be bold and put up a fight for God. That's something God has been pressing on my mind and heart these days. God has revealed to me my weaknesses, my areas needed for growth, and my gifts. I need to get over myself and stop being so damn critical of what I am and live out who God wants me to be. I just get scared because I've never been the leader the warrior type. I want to take on these positions for God but when it comes down to it, I want to whimper away. I no longer ask God for clarity or guidance really. I ask God to give me courage to fulfill His needs.