world impact centre

I think it's beautiful process. The process of getting to know God. Not only getting to know Him but learning how to talk and interact with Him. I've recently learned the mysterious power of prayer. That it goes beyond just a simple thanks or blessing. I've learned that if you ask you will receive. Tonight I volunteered at World Impact Centre. It's an organization with missionaries to target the city of LA. They raise a lot of their own funds and bring God into their schools or other means. Our church provided dinner for the missionaries because they hardly have time to relax. The purpose of the night was to also get to know the missionaries.

Here's more about it if you're curious.

So I've been praying in my car starting this week. My sister suggested that I do this instead of listening to my dirty rap songs. But honestly it's really been a blessing. And even a few moments in prayer brings out a new heart for God. Anyways, before I went to volunteer both in the morning and at night, I prayed that God really use me to open up and reach out to people. I wanted to be able to share and grow. Often, I find myself to be self-conscious in my approach with people. I'm my worst enemy in a sense.

The whole night consisted of small talk. Honestly, I hate small talk. Or I guess I don't even talk that much in general. But I truly enjoyed interacting with everyone tonight. There was a sense of genuine enthusiasm to share and to shape one another. And that genuine enthusiasm brought a sense of hope and joy that was unexplainable through worldly means. Their humble, difficult life was a joy in the sense that God was their reason to live and with each worldly sense of suffering there was a delight which eliminated it all. As I was sitting and talking to the newly engaged couple Jenny and Jerome (?), I was wondering how to live a Christian life. I was wondering if my approach was wrong. For me to pursue dental school or to travel for my pure enjoyment. Because in those scenarios, God is brought into the picture rather than him being the reason for those decisions. On the other hand, this couple gave up everything and in the process, they were able to fully enjoy God and be filled because of it. So to be with God, would I have to give up my career? I was just unsure.

I also talked to another pastor and I somehow stumbled upon the topic of my vision with dentistry - to have a christian dental clinic/public health education center. He introduced me to the guy who organized a dental clinic at the world impact centre. He gave me some information about the process. It was just a reminder from God that I shouldn't let go of my vision and that it isn't impossible.

After all the missionaries left, I got to spend some time to talk to my church members. I was just comforted by the fact that they had the same vision and heart of God for the city of LA. Being at Sovereign Grace has really brought a sense of identity in Christ and also an encouragement.

So, my prayers were answered more abundantly than I had asked for. I'm blessed and encouraged by this night. I've been reminded that God is my portion and that his love is so deep and real that it moves and inspires me to new realms. I seek you.

renewal

There was a red traffic light. The car in front of me decided to back up a little and gently bumped into my car. I knocked on the window of the BMW SUV. She didn't know how to speak english but luckily she was Korean. As we were conversing in my completely broken korean, she reassured me that my car is fine and that I can just glue back the pieces onto my car. Then she kept mentioning that she was late for church. Man...Korean people are one of a kind.

There was hardly any damage to my car but I was still a bit shaky from the whole event. From getting out of my car and knocking on her window as she was completely oblivious to the fact that she hit my car to the man yelling at me to pull my car over to the side. But on my drive to church I was thinking what if I had honked my horn to alert her? What if I left my house one minute earlier? What if I went a little slower on the freeway? And in the correlation of these what ifs I questioned whether or not God controls the every one of these accidents or coincidences. What purpose could this have?

I went to a Sovereign Grace Renew LA meeting. I was actually surprised because I thought the meeting would be more about the logistics like the curriculum for the students or input about the program. But it was a complete new slate and the meeting began with, "what is ministry?" As all these people gave their insightful answers, I was questioning it myself. It basically came down to the fact that ministry is both doing the deeds along with preaching the gospel. I really want to participate and renew la. But when I was in the meeting I was afraid to voice my opinion. I felt that I wasn't qualified to be a part of this group...or that I wouldn't be able to contribute as much as everyone else. This is not the first time that this has happened. I tend to coward away from God because it's the easy thing to do. I really need to learn how to be bold and put up a fight for God. That's something God has been pressing on my mind and heart these days. God has revealed to me my weaknesses, my areas needed for growth, and my gifts. I need to get over myself and stop being so damn critical of what I am and live out who God wants me to be. I just get scared because I've never been the leader the warrior type. I want to take on these positions for God but when it comes down to it, I want to whimper away. I no longer ask God for clarity or guidance really. I ask God to give me courage to fulfill His needs.

light blue

So today I think I had my first case of the post-graduate blues. Man, everything was going right but this past weekend it's like I got slammed in the face. I met up with John yesterday and we were talking about Alex. Honestly, I don't think highly of any guy on my high school group. I seriously think they lack compassion, ambition, ...a life. I think they're the type of people who exist to just exist. But I really don't have a right to claim what kind of life they live and tell John that that's the way it is - no questions asked. Then he told me I was condescending. I've never been called that so I was really shocked. Then he went on about how most successful, ambitious, smart people are rude and arrogant. When I got home what he said really hit me hard. Because my passion for dentistry is to ultimately help people, change people. I was confused and I was thinking, am I one of those people? Did I let my guard down? So I was evaluating what type of person I had become in the past 6 months. Then I realized that I have been so focused on my career that I haven't made time for friends. And in fact, I really didn't care for them. I used to think those people that gave up their friends and a life for school were driving themselves into a brick wall. Then I went to church today. But for some reason I felt really insecure and uncomfortable at the church. I felt like I was in my freshman year of college again when I was so indecisive and simply confused of which path to take. I was so insecure that I was overridden with awkwardness. Then I came home. I feel like crap. I'm going through the initial stage of the blues.

death

i've never really been encountered by the physical reality of death. it had always been a distant idea. you know a friends friend or a friends dad. always one degree of separation. i woke up today and i got a text from my sister saying "he died." i was frozen. then a sense of panic arose and i called my mom - terrified. i had this disbelief in my heart. even though i was told that he could die yesterday i doubted that he could die. but he did. and then i felt guilty. did i really pray for him? did he become a christian? i dont think he was. even though i knew he was sick this quarter i didn't go to la once to visit him. i was too busy with my life - the dats. i didn't even get to see him before he passed away. i'm truly sorry grandpa. i feel like he always gave out his love but he was always dejected. his heart was broken so many times as he saw the failures of his kids. yet he loved them so much and always believed in them that he gave them money even though he was retired. it was money that he saved his whole life not particularly because he was stingy. he just wasn't a spender. he never bought anything for himself and gave it away to his kids.

i don't know how to feel. i'm crying but i can't seem to articulate anything.

harabuji. i love you. and i'm sorry.

dat = DeATh

endless studying. endless hopelessness. endless costs. endless endless endless. i just hope it's worth it in the end. i better get a...22!!!

free love

why search for love when it's given freely by jesus christ.

algebra

why do i always think love is some type of mathematical formula? there is no right answer.