renewal

There was a red traffic light. The car in front of me decided to back up a little and gently bumped into my car. I knocked on the window of the BMW SUV. She didn't know how to speak english but luckily she was Korean. As we were conversing in my completely broken korean, she reassured me that my car is fine and that I can just glue back the pieces onto my car. Then she kept mentioning that she was late for church. Man...Korean people are one of a kind.

There was hardly any damage to my car but I was still a bit shaky from the whole event. From getting out of my car and knocking on her window as she was completely oblivious to the fact that she hit my car to the man yelling at me to pull my car over to the side. But on my drive to church I was thinking what if I had honked my horn to alert her? What if I left my house one minute earlier? What if I went a little slower on the freeway? And in the correlation of these what ifs I questioned whether or not God controls the every one of these accidents or coincidences. What purpose could this have?

I went to a Sovereign Grace Renew LA meeting. I was actually surprised because I thought the meeting would be more about the logistics like the curriculum for the students or input about the program. But it was a complete new slate and the meeting began with, "what is ministry?" As all these people gave their insightful answers, I was questioning it myself. It basically came down to the fact that ministry is both doing the deeds along with preaching the gospel. I really want to participate and renew la. But when I was in the meeting I was afraid to voice my opinion. I felt that I wasn't qualified to be a part of this group...or that I wouldn't be able to contribute as much as everyone else. This is not the first time that this has happened. I tend to coward away from God because it's the easy thing to do. I really need to learn how to be bold and put up a fight for God. That's something God has been pressing on my mind and heart these days. God has revealed to me my weaknesses, my areas needed for growth, and my gifts. I need to get over myself and stop being so damn critical of what I am and live out who God wants me to be. I just get scared because I've never been the leader the warrior type. I want to take on these positions for God but when it comes down to it, I want to whimper away. I no longer ask God for clarity or guidance really. I ask God to give me courage to fulfill His needs.

light blue

So today I think I had my first case of the post-graduate blues. Man, everything was going right but this past weekend it's like I got slammed in the face. I met up with John yesterday and we were talking about Alex. Honestly, I don't think highly of any guy on my high school group. I seriously think they lack compassion, ambition, ...a life. I think they're the type of people who exist to just exist. But I really don't have a right to claim what kind of life they live and tell John that that's the way it is - no questions asked. Then he told me I was condescending. I've never been called that so I was really shocked. Then he went on about how most successful, ambitious, smart people are rude and arrogant. When I got home what he said really hit me hard. Because my passion for dentistry is to ultimately help people, change people. I was confused and I was thinking, am I one of those people? Did I let my guard down? So I was evaluating what type of person I had become in the past 6 months. Then I realized that I have been so focused on my career that I haven't made time for friends. And in fact, I really didn't care for them. I used to think those people that gave up their friends and a life for school were driving themselves into a brick wall. Then I went to church today. But for some reason I felt really insecure and uncomfortable at the church. I felt like I was in my freshman year of college again when I was so indecisive and simply confused of which path to take. I was so insecure that I was overridden with awkwardness. Then I came home. I feel like crap. I'm going through the initial stage of the blues.

death

i've never really been encountered by the physical reality of death. it had always been a distant idea. you know a friends friend or a friends dad. always one degree of separation. i woke up today and i got a text from my sister saying "he died." i was frozen. then a sense of panic arose and i called my mom - terrified. i had this disbelief in my heart. even though i was told that he could die yesterday i doubted that he could die. but he did. and then i felt guilty. did i really pray for him? did he become a christian? i dont think he was. even though i knew he was sick this quarter i didn't go to la once to visit him. i was too busy with my life - the dats. i didn't even get to see him before he passed away. i'm truly sorry grandpa. i feel like he always gave out his love but he was always dejected. his heart was broken so many times as he saw the failures of his kids. yet he loved them so much and always believed in them that he gave them money even though he was retired. it was money that he saved his whole life not particularly because he was stingy. he just wasn't a spender. he never bought anything for himself and gave it away to his kids.

i don't know how to feel. i'm crying but i can't seem to articulate anything.

harabuji. i love you. and i'm sorry.

dat = DeATh

endless studying. endless hopelessness. endless costs. endless endless endless. i just hope it's worth it in the end. i better get a...22!!!

free love

why search for love when it's given freely by jesus christ.

algebra

why do i always think love is some type of mathematical formula? there is no right answer.

break free

life seems to be redefined by a broken heart. unfortunately, a broken heart doesn't come once in your life. a broken heart changes your perspective. my heart was numb and resistant because it didn't need mending (so i thought). but now life is taken in differently because these these are applied to mend those broken areas. i am broken. everyday i realize how broken i am. it hurts but its so necessary.

pang

i love listening to songs on constant repeat.
everything seems to be going right except the family issues which never cease. and family is everything. so everything is not going right.

brain explosion

so i've been on campus for approximately 11 hours wasting away. i'm studying for my animal behavior and communication class, fighting to master everything. i honestly think i work really hard and when i don't get the results it ultimately leads to disappointment in myself rather than blaming other factors. which makes sense.
so i was thinking, what is my purpose in all this. how am i glorifying god through this? i honestly don't know. school overtakes my life.
this entry may be a bit everywhere. my brain is on overload from studying so long. but you know, i really want to seek god. like truly. but i'm scared that i'll fail. and i know i'll fail. but i want to obey him. and even though being a christian is hard. it's so worth it. and i only feel complete when i am seeking him and he's a part of my life. ok back to studying. au revoir.

so school has begun. it's only been two days but i don't know why it feels like it has been two weeks. i've already learned so much after coming back from paris. i have had so many realizations that were only possible through god. despite the greatness of paris, i feel like i am really myself in los angeles and even more so in san diego. anyways, i just had coffee with hatty for four hours. four intense hours to be specific. it was...interesting and i found out a lot about myself that i never even really realized. i guess i have the dirty habit about talking about my friends behind their back and just assuming that that's the way they are and not giving them a chance to prove themselves in a favorable light because i don't even confront them. but yea, i've had the easy way out with friendship for sure since i've always had the easy way out with things. i don't know if i've ever invested more into a friendship than the other end. just a lot of things to think about i guess.